Here we go yet AGAIN!

I'm super depressed. Might be getting a divorce....kids...schedules....work...fat...holidays..it's just unbearable at times! I managed to only gain like a pound on Thanksgiving, but that's still a pound I shouldn't have gained....I honest to God barely ate anything! I stayed away from the breads and desserts like they were the plague! I'm just so close to finally being under 300 that I am getting frustrated with myself..

GET IT TOGETHER RACHEL!!!! YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!!!!!!!

its been awhile....

So the food holiday is over and I actually did ok! I ate what I wanted, just small amounts and left out desserts. Lol. Hopefully nothing shows on the scale. >:@ anyways.... im actually almost to the 40 lb mark so im happy. Bad stuff going on at home, but I think i'll survive. At least the weight part! :S

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I mean seriously....

O.K. it is official. I have too much stress and not enough strength in my life...

First... my diet. I battle this eating disorder daily. It is so hard to not just binge and purge all the time. My husband and family doesn't understand it is a problem so they just freak out about it....I'm stressed because I want to be thin and healthy, it's just hard work! lol. I wish I could feel o.k. with my body and get over this disorder.

Second....my job. I'm ready for a change. There is too much walking on egg shells around here..too much drama for me.. I need out. I was meant for different work anyway, but when you have two kids to raise there is no alternatives...*sigh* God, what was I thinking..

Third....everything else. I'm just constantly stressed out. All there is too it. Every little thing kills me.

Forth....my husband... we haven't been getting along for awhile and we just can't see eye to eye.. He doesn't understand why i'm upset when the house isn't clean or the kids aren't tended too..it kills me every single day....

I need a prayer..and some hope..and a new body.....

Glimpse in the Mirror..

So I figured I should tell a little about me and why I am the way I am....here goes!

I grew up in an awesome home. My parents were pretty much the best that you could have in a set. We never lacked for anything, and there was plenty of love around me.
When I was about 14 my grandmother died of a painful cancer trip. As a 14 year old it was super hard for me... at this point, I had always been over weight, but it really started getting to me. I watched as she got sicker and sicker until she finally passed.. This was one of the HARDEST times in my life. I was super close to her, and to lose her made me feel ultimately alone and frail.
It was at this point I started really gaining weight and getting depressed. I started cutting myself, taking pills, and just engaging in horrible things. I never really came out of this cycle.

When I was 17 I got really obsessed with my weight. I was like 290 at this point and was tired of it. My mother, who was always concerned, rode me constantly about my weight and I finally decided life would be better on the skinny side. I developed the bulemia/anorexia disorder and dropped 90 lbs in like 4 months. At the end of it is when I lost my gall bladder because of it, and was so scared of being in the hospital again that I gained it all back plus a bunch more....This was hard for me. I had went from super small and happy, to big and fat again....
During this phase I got married to my first husband who was horrible. He was an alcoholic and we just didn't mix. He lied, I think he cheated, and it was just one big mess. After about a year of the crap I met James and got pregnant. I was still legally married to the first, but going through the divorce. James and I ended up splitting up due to hormonal reasons, and I had my daughter without him for the first year. This was another time I gained weight...
During this time, I also found out my mom was sick. I think this contributed to a bunch of my gain and depression as well. Ugh. One big mess...

When our daughter was about 9 months old we got back together and have been O.K. since. About 6 months after that I decided to lose weight again. I was at the 350lb mark and ended up losing almost 100lbs once again. I felt great, but to me in my mind it wasn't coming off fast enough and I started purging randomly again. Not near like I had, but some is too much. Shortly after that I got pregnant again and the diet was over. I ended up gaining almost all my weight back...

This is where we are now. I started at 350 lbs and this will be the last time I see it. I hate being this big, and my confidence suffers because of it. I don't wanna be on stage because i'm huge, I don't wanna go out because i'm huge....i'm just tired of it. I'm tired of the stares, the constant ridicule, and the everlonging fate looming if I don't get healthy...its tragic.

As far as where I've come from, i'm doing better. I got on an eliptical this morning at 6 am for 30 mins straight! That's awesome for me at this weight! Hopefully I can keep this motivation and momentum up to carry me where I wanna go. My ultimate goal is to have the confidence to start my OWN band and feel comfortable on stage again. I wanna be able to buy the clothes I wanna buy instead of just what fits... I wanna get on a plane and feel happy with one seat. I want to be able to run with my children, or even run my first marathon! I just wanna be normal.....

ugh..willpower..

So this trip is over..and it was all around horrible.. Between the fights, ignorant drunks, and food I am pretty much at a loss. The day started promising, but ended up crappy within a couple hours...here's the food breakdown...

Day 1
4 strips of bacon
2 eggs/hard yoke
12oz ribeye with A1
Ceasar Salad w/crutons
4 dinner rolls w/sweet butter
Mashed potatoes/white gravey
Philly Cheesesteak Omelet
Hashbrowns with ketchup
Biscuit and gravy

Day 2
2 cheese enchiladas w/ lettuce/tomatoe/onion and sauce
Chips and LOTS of salsa
1 bag of rice cakes
Large cup of coffee with sweetner and creamer

I mean really? Seeing that written out is scary. Look at all that food! Ugh. Thats probably at least good for a couple pounds, but I think as long as I get right back on track today I will be better. I really REALLY wanna lose another 20 lbs by Christmas....and even more by January because I'm determined to get back onstage and rock it out!

Rachel Janelle

Stuck in the middle with you....

Ever since my little episode with the scale it has been super hard to stay on track. I've done it to the best of my ability, but it has sucked.. I'm working out occasionally, eating very restrictive, and yet nothing moves. I'm thinking I am stuck on a plateau or something. All I know is that it super sucks.... I wanna see results!
All this time I thought I had lost a substantial amount, only to find out it wasn't really even half of what I originally thought. I'm not changing my weight loss ticker because it would not only look like I gained weight, but eventually I hope to be there soon. All I can do is keep going I guess.

I definitely feel like I am better, but man, those numbers kill me! I have major scale anxiety and I can't help it!
Hopefully when more results start coming I will see a bigger difference....

I wish I could be addicted to a calorie free food... I would eat it and eat it and lose weight all over the place because it would take more calories to digest than what the food is. Only problem is, celery is about the only food that does that...boo celery...

Trip is tomorrow...Let's hope for a good time, lots of money, and healthy eating... Wouldn't it be great if our hotel had a built in gym area!!!!! That would be absolutely amazing! Here's to hoping!!!

Rachel Janelle

Continue on....

Not much has went on since the last post, but I am mighty bored at work so I thought i'd better blog instead of eat! A couple friends and myself are going to hit up the gym in the early am, so hopefully I will sleep good once I hit the sack. Wishful thinking, but I can dream right? *zzZZzZ*

Anyways, we are now down to 4 days before the trip. I am mentally preparing myself now. We always seem to eat at the best and yummiest resteraunts EVER when we go on a trip. I used to looooooove <3 to eat at Hooters when we go, because we do not have one here where I live. Hooters food is by FAR some of the fattiest food I have ever come across. *mental note...avoid Hooters at all cost* LOL

There you have it. A short blog, but at least it kept me occupied for a little bit. Cheers!

Rachel Janelle

The Countdown...

So we are going to see how good I can do with temptation.... 5 days away from my trip to Springfield...I really wanna get down as low as I can before then, because I will be getting on the stage for the first time in awhile.. (well, I was onstage for 1 song about a month ago, but this is a little different) Anyways, 5 days to restrict the best I can.....

I'm really interested to see my current weight. I don't have a working/accurate scale right now, so maybe it's better that way. I dunno...I'd like to see if i'm doing something right or wrong, but guess for now I will just have to wait and see....

I bought a new pair of jeans the other day that I THOUGHT would fit me....but they didn't... probably 30 more lbs gone and they will. I hate how some things can be the same size, but fit completely different. Ugh! They will be my goal jeans for now I guess. Might as well make the best of it right?

Rachel Janelle

Check this motivation out!

So I stumbled across this awesome site where you can see virtual weight loss!!!!

<--------That is what i'd look like 120 lbs less than where I started! Cool huh? How's THAT for motivation????

Back on the saddle again...

OOOOOO.K. So...the last week or so has been a cluster f**k of craziness. My incident with the scale,  poor eating, a sick baby......ugh, insane... However, even though I haven't eaten AS healthy as I could have, at least I didn't go overboard...
I've mainly stayed below my 1200 calories a day, except for MAYBE last night. The husband and I went out on our first dinner date in FOREVER! I had a ceaser salad, and a nice ribeye steak and O.M.G. was it amazing! I steered clear of all the fries except for 3 (which considering what I USED to eat..this is amazing..).

I ended up taking that electronic scale back. Not because of the incident, but because it didn't work. It was stuck only measuring in KG no matter if you put it on KG or LB. I didn't wanna mess with it. It has already pissed me off enough. LOL.

I plan on getting super back on track today. I have a trip coming up on the 13th where I know I will be asked to sing onstage. I want to feel as good as I can for where I am right now. Hopefully in the week I have to lose it, I will have lost at least another 5 lbs or so...more could be nice! :D :D I can only hope...AND put out the effort.

Well, that's all I have for today. Here is looking forward to a better week!

Rachel Janelle

What a downer....

Super upset today. Apparently my broken scale WAS decieving me....

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maybe a victory?

So kind of a funny story.....

When I broke down and bought a scale I bought a cheap one because I was broke. I got it home, weighed, and like 3 days later it broke. Talk about feeling fat! Anyways, we got it fixed to where it was reading right again, and its been ok. Today I got on it and it says im under 300!!!! I was super excited till I started telling myself ' maybe its broke again' lol! I decided before I celebrate im going to buy a new one later. =)

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GOALS!!!

So Halloween is over, and a new month is upon me. I have decided to set some goals out here for me so I can hopefully see some more progress!!!

November goal- I break into the 200's!
November goal- lose 20 lbs
December goal- 20lbs
January goal- lose 20 lbs
February goal- My birthday month I would like to lose around 20 lbs and buy myself a cute new outfit for the occassion and trip!

Hopefully these are achieveable.. I really hope so. Here's to commitment!