So I figured I should tell a little about me and why I am the way I am....here goes!
I grew up in an awesome home. My parents were pretty much the best that you could have in a set. We never lacked for anything, and there was plenty of love around me.
When I was about 14 my grandmother died of a painful cancer trip. As a 14 year old it was super hard for me... at this point, I had always been over weight, but it really started getting to me. I watched as she got sicker and sicker until she finally passed.. This was one of the HARDEST times in my life. I was super close to her, and to lose her made me feel ultimately alone and frail.
It was at this point I started really gaining weight and getting depressed. I started cutting myself, taking pills, and just engaging in horrible things. I never really came out of this cycle.
When I was 17 I got really obsessed with my weight. I was like 290 at this point and was tired of it. My mother, who was always concerned, rode me constantly about my weight and I finally decided life would be better on the skinny side. I developed the bulemia/anorexia disorder and dropped 90 lbs in like 4 months. At the end of it is when I lost my gall bladder because of it, and was so scared of being in the hospital again that I gained it all back plus a bunch more....This was hard for me. I had went from super small and happy, to big and fat again....
During this phase I got married to my first husband who was horrible. He was an alcoholic and we just didn't mix. He lied, I think he cheated, and it was just one big mess. After about a year of the crap I met James and got pregnant. I was still legally married to the first, but going through the divorce. James and I ended up splitting up due to hormonal reasons, and I had my daughter without him for the first year. This was another time I gained weight...
During this time, I also found out my mom was sick. I think this contributed to a bunch of my gain and depression as well. Ugh. One big mess...
When our daughter was about 9 months old we got back together and have been O.K. since. About 6 months after that I decided to lose weight again. I was at the 350lb mark and ended up losing almost 100lbs once again. I felt great, but to me in my mind it wasn't coming off fast enough and I started purging randomly again. Not near like I had, but some is too much. Shortly after that I got pregnant again and the diet was over. I ended up gaining almost all my weight back...
This is where we are now. I started at 350 lbs and this will be the last time I see it. I hate being this big, and my confidence suffers because of it. I don't wanna be on stage because i'm huge, I don't wanna go out because i'm huge....i'm just tired of it. I'm tired of the stares, the constant ridicule, and the everlonging fate looming if I don't get healthy...its tragic.
As far as where I've come from, i'm doing better. I got on an eliptical this morning at 6 am for 30 mins straight! That's awesome for me at this weight! Hopefully I can keep this motivation and momentum up to carry me where I wanna go. My ultimate goal is to have the confidence to start my OWN band and feel comfortable on stage again. I wanna be able to buy the clothes I wanna buy instead of just what fits... I wanna get on a plane and feel happy with one seat. I want to be able to run with my children, or even run my first marathon! I just wanna be normal.....
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