40 lbs lost!!

I'm up to 40 pounds lost now!!! WOOT!

Octobers Results!

So....just thought i'd post Octobers results and pictures to update ya....
35 lbs lost!!!!

And here are the pics to prove it...

trying. ..

Its been a better week. I feel a little more confident. I'm starting a gym tomorrow and bought me a new pair of sketchers shape ups so wish me luck!!

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Strange days.....

Its been an odd week for my eating. I've had the same type of salad everyday for almost a week. Just can't seem to get enough. Been sick. Sick kids. Just done already.....

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Oh-La-La!

So this last week I have been unmotivated. I've had such a hard time staying away from bad foods, and ontop of it...I broke my brand new scale...:( I dunno if it was from my weight, or if I stepped on it wrong but it still broke. The bad part is, while it was breaking, it said that I gained 10 lbs. Now, this can't be possible, but it still made me so super upset that I almost lost it.

The last couple days have been a little better though. I have been trying to work out, and I've been eating a salad from Mazzios! Granted, it has ranch, but I keep the ranch in a cup and dip my salad. At least that way, it's a few less calories. I look at it like this, I can't deprive myself of ALL things good or I WILL fail. This way, I'm getting my salad and calories for taste. Hopefully it helps....

I've been super stressed lately as well. Between new phone contracts, work, money, family, and kids I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. I really need some new motivation.....The new jeans I bought are still size 26...even with the 20lbs *ish* gone, I am still huge.....ugh..I hate this stuff for real....

As everyone sits at work eating away on their Taco Bell tonight, I will be having a Slim-Fast.....*sigh* I am trying to tell myself that all these small people don't have an eating disorder and I do, so they are allowed to eat what they want, when they want...even if it's in front of me. Gotta learn to avoid!

*sigh*

I feel like nothing I do matters. It's not coming off and im at a loss. I need some major motivation right about now. *sigh*

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New Day

Not doing so well. That is all....

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Shopping For The WEAK Hearted...

ugh... so much stress and just b.s. lately! I had to get a new phone today..Now, granted down grading from my Iphone to a regular phone will save us a lot of money, but it still sucks. Will take some getting used to for sure....*sigh* Oh well...

I had an issue with food the last few days. Last night, all I wanted was a greasy meal from Taco Bell...and I gave in.. It was insane. That first bite tasted like PURE sodium. It was such a strange feeling knowing that I used to eat like that so much everyday, that I didn't even notice the salt. Well, needless to say, my body rejected the whole meal and it came out with vengance....
The next day was a repeat. I figured since I didn't get my craving food digested I'd try it again...nope. Body let it out again. Maybe that's a good thing. If I could stop the cravings I would be O.K. I just want to hate food so much that I lose weight....man, wish it were easier. Wish you could abstain from food all together... *sigh*

Tomorrow will be better. I have to stop this. This pattern is what gets me into trouble. I can't go backwards... 20 lbs is no small feat, but I have a ton to go still.
Clothes shopping today about killed me.....I looked horrible even WITH the weight loss..... ugh....

Hmmmmm....

Not sure if I should qualify today as a good eating day. I mean I definitely made better choices than I used to, but not sure if it was great....Here is the low down..

Breakfast-Egg white omelet sandwitch from Subway on wheat bread/no cheese/lots of veggies and fat free honey mustand dressing

Lunch-Turkey breast sandwitch from Subway on wheat bread/no chesse/lots of veggies/fat free honey mustard

Dinner-Grilled chicken salad from Carls Jr. Balsamic vinigrette dressing

Hm...probably around 1000 calories for the day...better than a whopping burger with fries....mmMMmmMM *dreams*

Lack of sleep the last couple days is finally getting to me as well. I have been busy helping with this thing for work, and have barely had time to rest with it and work going round the clock...Not a good thing...

Oh well. Maybe tomorrow will be fun!

Obstacles...

So it's finally happening. I am craving my normal bad foods! I don't know if it was the fact I was at my fav. mexican resteraunt the other day that sparked it, or the fact I'm an idiot who sat and watch and entire show about fried foods! Ugh! I mean in a way, I know that I HAVE to lose this weight and be healthy....but in another way, I keep saying to myself 'whats the point?' I want to be healthy, and I know I am for the most part, but I am just tired of being fat. On the same note, I don't want to live my life forever wanting something that is 'forbidden' or 'off limits' to me. What a paradox...Isn't it sad that when you have an eating disorder EVERYTHING revolves around food? *sigh*

I'm also having huge money issues as of lately. It seems that there is never enough and things just keep piling up. I'm at a loss on what to do. I have a full-time job, but I don't want to be there half the time to make the money I need to. I know that sounds stupid because most people don't wanna be at work, but at my job we HAVE to option to leave early if we want too...kinda sucks to have that temptation..

Overall, I have done well lately. I am going to invest in a scale tomorrow to see what my results have been so far. I'm both nervous and excited. I'm more nervous because I feel that if I haven't reached a certain number by now, I will just give up and give in. I can't do that really, but I know myself....

On a side note...THIS made my day!!

I'll let you all know how the weigh in goes!! Cross those fingers!!

An Epiphany....

O.K. maybe not an epiphany, but still....

The last few days have been a little stressful, but I really think that not only is my body chaning, but my mind as well. I used to get soooo discouraged when I was 'dieting' and would slip off the wagon a little bit. I would think to myself 'oh well, you messed up, it's over...'

Today, I went to lunch with my mom who refused to eat anywhere other than our favorite resteraunt. This resteraunt happens to be a Mexican resteraunt with the BEST chips, salsa, and white dip around! *seriously amazing!* I started getting so scared about falling off the wagon. Instead, I ordered a small side salad, and only had one helping of the chips and dip! I felt accomplished, yet still bad about it being processed food. I then realized that this is going to be a life change and that kind of food is all around. I have to get used to it someday! A little cheating here and there is only going to help on this life long journey..

I also worked out more today than I have in the past couple of weeks. I uped my cardio, as well as broke out an old DVD I used to do with friends back in the day for a work out. It was fun, but kicked my a$$! I then realized how out of shape I had really let myself get! Jeeeeez! lol. Oh well, it is a process yet again....

Rachel Janelle

You Raise Me Up.

Ever get discouraged? I do...OFTEN.. I think a lot of my problem is that I expect to much out of people as well as myself. When I don't get the results I want quickly, I freak out and give up. I can't help that I am impulsive, so I am trying to be better at it.

Today was kinda blah.. Woke up still feeling a little rocky, but did O.K. on the eating part. I had a 6' sub sandwitch today which kinda made me feel super full since all I had been eating was holistic foods. Oh well, you have to shake it up a little sometimes right?

Still haven't weighed.. I kind of want to, but at the same time I am scared to. My clothes only feel slightly different, and I REALLY want to stay away from that discouraged feeling...who knows..maybe I'll sneak a peak Friday..

The Scale...

One of my biggest fears is the scale. When I developed my eating disorder a few years ago, the scale was both my best friend AND my mortal enemy! I would weight myself every single day, sometimes more than once. When I wouldn't see weight coming off quickly (which you don't in one freaking day) I would purge... It was such a horrible time for me. Instead of focusing on the fact I was feeling better, I was worried about that number...

This time around I do not even own a scale. I haven't weighed myself at all since starting this new way of life. I am scared to even be near one to be honest. I feel like I may have lost a little, but overall I do not even want to see the numbers. Not only are they gross to beging with, but I do not want to be sick again. I was soooo caught up in bulemia and anorexia that I almost died.. I probably SHOULD have died to tell you the truth, but something kept me here!

I'm hoping to get over this sickness soon. I have felt completely ill for about 3 days now. I don't think it's my body adjusting because I've been on the plan over a week, but something is wrong. Maybe I'm not eating enough? Who knows....

The Window To My Heart...

Should NOT be my stomach!!! Ugh! I woke up this morning starving. All I wanted was a fat juicy cheeseburger from somewhere. Problem was, not only am I broke and dieting, but I also woke up pretty ill as well... As you know, when you are sick to your stomach, eating is usually the LAST thing on your mind... In my case, even though I was sick, I STILL wanted that damn burger..... Oh well. I overcame the craving and had a smoothie instead. *sigh* I wish this process would hurry up and be over with!

My husband can be uber supportive of me, as well as bring me down with out knowing it. There was a steak commercial on T.V. and I had to look away. He basically told me if I didn't even have the will power to watch a commercial, then there is NO HOPE for me... sad..:( I mean of course I'm not going to go into convulsions over a freaking commercial, but I don't wanna look at the temtation all the same! Hmmm... maybe there is something wrong with me...Either way, it is what it is..

That's all I have for tonight.. In closing, I leave you with a tribute..

Oh The Challenge...

So today is the first day in almost a week that I have felt weak in everything that I am doing. All I want to do is grab something unhealthy to eat! Isn't that strange? This is such an addiction. The bad thing about this addiction, is that you can't just quit cold turkey like with most. You NEED food to live... Man, insanity..

The thing is, I've done this before. I lost nearly 100 lbs when I was in my late teens. I started out doing seriously well...I was eating healthy, working out everyday...the problem was that I got bored. The weight was coming off, but not fast enough for a teenager who had school starting back up in a few months. I started practicing bulemia and anorexia nervosa. I was literally only eating a cracker or two, and then vomitting it back up. This went on for like 2 months. I ended up losing nearly 100 lbs, but I also lost an organ because of it. I had to have my gall bladder removed, and the doctor told me if I kept it up, I would lose more. This scared me bad. So bad that I started eating everything in sight again. In about 5-6 months time, I had gained back all the weight I had lost. My body was like a starved animal. Everything I ate got absorbed and stored. I was so stupid...

The worst part was, I wasn't NEAR as big as I am now. Since that time, I have gained nearly 200 lbs with eating and having babies. *sigh* it looks like such an unattainable goal....

I need to just keep my head straight. Even though it looks like a huge obstacle, I thought the same thing when I was younger... I can do this. If I stop it now, I will live. I am going to tell myself that there will be other times I can enjoy a meal of my choice, just not right now. I have to do this to LIVE the way I am meant to... Just wish there wasn't food everywhere I turned...

Rachel Janelle

O Come All Ye Faithful....Or Crazy....

So what's with the temptation thing? I have all the motivation in the world to eat right, but the second someone next to me is eating crispy chicken and bacon I go into hunger mode! So not right!!! LOL. Actually, it isn't as bad of a situation as you think it would be, because ultimately it is up to ME and ME only to choose my path. Through out my life there are going to be temptations. The better I learn to deal with them now, the better off I will be in the end.... even still, MAN that chicken/bacon mix sounds good....:P

Today was an O.K. day. I woke up and had a couple whole wheat crackers with turkey, and then had a salad for lunch. The salad was grilled chicken, onions, and some fat free Italian dressing. Yum. Definitely filled me up! For a snack I'm going to have a Slim-Fast snack bar, which by the way, are TINY AS HELL! When I bought them, they looked decentely big and satisfying....alas, I...WAS....WRONG! It's like a single bite and no more... *note to self.... do not waste money on these again*

Today is my 'Friday' at work, so I'm hoping to get some much needed activity on my 3 days off. Wednesday I have a doc appt in Tulsa, so I'm sure that day will be filled full of events AND food that I want......blah! I'm thinking that in the morning after work and some sleep, I will take the kids to the track to burn off some energy... Could be fun right? Hopefully....I need to get out some of the stress from bills and home that I havae been feeling. Hopefully a good walk will cure that! Here's to health!

Straight through Sunday blues....

So it's day 1 of changing my life around. For about the past week I have been uberly excited about embarking on this new way of eating and life, but as the days went on I lost vigor, so now i'm just gonna jump on in! The reason for not starting when I was ready, was because I was told to wait until I had an appointment with this health clinic down town. As the days went on, I grew less and less excited, so I decided to just go ahead and take the reigns myself! It isn't a bad thing for just going ahead and doing it, I just won't be counted at my starting weight and stuff. To be honest, it shouldn't matter what it says on the doctors file, because ultimatley it's about ME bettering myself... and so I start...

After I got off work this morning at 6:30am, I went straight to Wal-Mart and bought some Slim-Fast, some salad mix, baby carrots, and apple packs! When I work up later on, I had a Slim-Fast and an apple pack for my 'breakfast.' Not quite as filling as I would like, but it did it's job I guess. Now I am sitting at work waiting for my lunch! LOL. I guess that is the worst part about detoxing...you are ALWAYS thinking about when you can eat again, even if it's minimal. Oh well, I HAVE to do this this time around...

I have always been comfortable with my personality, and even my looks most of the time, but my weight is finally starting to take it's toll on my heart. I feel like I look horrible, and no matter what I do, nothing can hide this hideous body under the clothes. Even though my blood work up and stuff was perfect, I still feel like I can't do this anymore. I NEED this change to finally be 'me'....

And so it began...

So I have finally broken down and started a blog! I'm sure no one will read it, but hey? You never know right? There are so many things about me that people will never know. I just hope that they won't hold it against me. I'm going to try to paint a picture of my life on here, but it may take a little more than 'work place boredom' to do so! If you guys do decide to read my posts, feel free to comment. Some of the things I say may offend you, and others might make you stop and think. Just remember that this is MY blog, and I am a very 'unedited' type of person. lol! Have fun, and enjoy learning about me!

Rachel Janelle