So today is the first day in almost a week that I have felt weak in everything that I am doing. All I want to do is grab something unhealthy to eat! Isn't that strange? This is such an addiction. The bad thing about this addiction, is that you can't just quit cold turkey like with most. You NEED food to live... Man, insanity..
The thing is, I've done this before. I lost nearly 100 lbs when I was in my late teens. I started out doing seriously well...I was eating healthy, working out everyday...the problem was that I got bored. The weight was coming off, but not fast enough for a teenager who had school starting back up in a few months. I started practicing bulemia and anorexia nervosa. I was literally only eating a cracker or two, and then vomitting it back up. This went on for like 2 months. I ended up losing nearly 100 lbs, but I also lost an organ because of it. I had to have my gall bladder removed, and the doctor told me if I kept it up, I would lose more. This scared me bad. So bad that I started eating everything in sight again. In about 5-6 months time, I had gained back all the weight I had lost. My body was like a starved animal. Everything I ate got absorbed and stored. I was so stupid...
The worst part was, I wasn't NEAR as big as I am now. Since that time, I have gained nearly 200 lbs with eating and having babies. *sigh* it looks like such an unattainable goal....
I need to just keep my head straight. Even though it looks like a huge obstacle, I thought the same thing when I was younger... I can do this. If I stop it now, I will live. I am going to tell myself that there will be other times I can enjoy a meal of my choice, just not right now. I have to do this to LIVE the way I am meant to... Just wish there wasn't food everywhere I turned...
Rachel Janelle
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